If I were a crying man, I'd be sitting in a puddle of tears. In fact, I'm going to keep that option open...
My engine seized.
Took her in for an oil change yesterday morning (day off). Great shop. Never a problem before. Put maybe 50 miles on her around town. Started her this morning. Typical startup. No indication of trouble. Got about a hundred yards. Oil light comes on. About 12 seconds later, the motor shut down, the rear wheels locked, the tires chirped as they grabbed, and it was Good Night, Irene.
Oil plug is in place and tight. Dipstick reads full. No oil on the garage floor from sitting all night.
Shoot me now.