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Merry Christmas from the great NorthWest!

Roads in Oly are still hellishly ice packed, like driving on boulder fields. Tore off many bits from the underside of the Volvo yesterday. Got stuck going out of the drive to the mall (yeeech!) and then again coming back into the drive. Had to shovel and chain up. Now it is thawing as evidenced by the clean driveway after shoveling just yesterday.

Tomm

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  • IMsnow1
Happy mutha-F-in Kwanzaa (quanza) to all the pimps & ho, ho, hoz!!!

Times to pour a big ass super gulp cup full o' Hennessy and Nezbit grape soda.....pack up da gat wiff lead and cap sum smoke in da air in celebrationness!

Don't forget to roll a big spliff of misseltoe and puff-puff-pass like there ain't no tomorrow biatches.

*PS-Not intended to be racist, biased or negative against any culture...IT'S JUST PLAIN GANGSTA-FUNNY YOU PASTY-LIPPED CRACKHEADS!!!

How is that for an evil X-mas wish Vince???

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  • Tyrone_Biggums
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year, I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like.....'What does this do?' 'No shit!' 'Who would buy that ?'
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the HOV car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in the wee hours long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and laughed my ass off for a couple of hours.
Later Christmas morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.' 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room, but Granny was relentless.
'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.............
..........The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the mantel, flew two complete laps around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed and I shot a load of cranberry sauce through my nose.
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother, fell back over his chair and pissed his pants.
Granny, threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, grabbed her coat and gifts...heading out to the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember !
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called .......duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

......... I can't wait until next Christmas ~
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