So, I went to Maryland MVA today to register our Speedster. It was awesome.
I arrive and get my number at 2:30pm. Stupid Lady #1 calls me up, looks at my papers and says my bill of sale is a copy. She needs the original. I say it’s an email and that the seller is in Georgia.
“I need the original or the dealer can fax a copy to us”
“So a faxed copy is somehow better than the copy I just gave you?”
“Yes. Have the dealer fax us a copy and someone will call you when it arrives.”
At 4:30 I stopped Stupid Lady #2 to ask about the fax.(MVA closes at 4:30, BTW)
“It’s probably been here. How would we know who it pertains to?”
“I’m sorry. I thought that’s why you had this numbering system.”
“Have a seat and wait for your number.”
5:10pm. Stupid Lady #3 “Is there a lien on this car?”
“No.”
“The bill of sale doesn’t say zero balance.”
“No it says ‘Paid in Full’ here and here.”
“But it doesn’t say zero balance. It has to say zero balance.”
“That’s what ‘Paid in Full’ means.”
“But it doesn’t say zero balance. It has to say zero balance.”
“Actually, it doesn’t. It’s the dealer’s bill of sale. It can say anything he wants it to say. He could draw it in hieroglyphics if that’s what he wants to do. It's his document.”
“Have a seat. Someone will call you.”
5:35pm. Stupid Lady #4 “How many miles are on this car?”
“16.”
“Actual miles?”
“No, 16 miles in the vehicle’s current state. The original vehicle was bought by a builder who builds the car into its present form. When they build it, they replace all the gauges. The odometer then shows zero. The California title shows the original car as mileage EXEMPT. I checked the box on your form that it’s not actual miles.”
“We need the original mileage on the original car.”
“That’s not possible. The original odometer is long gone. There is no way to tell how many miles were on the original car at this point.”
“Well, we need that. The odometer.”
“The original odometer? It’s probably in a California landfill somewhere. I've been to MVA a thousand times. I've never seen anyone show up with an odometer.”
“Have a seat and wait for your number.”
6:00pm. Stupid Man #1 “What insurance company are you insuring this with?”
“Grundy Worldwide.”
“I see that on the form, but that’s not an insurance company”
“Excuse me?”
“That’s not an insurance company. I have all insurance companies in my system and that’s not one of them.”
“I assure you that it is. Here is my policy and this document shows that I added this car today.”
“I see what you’re showing me but that is not an insurance company.”
“Again, I assure you that it is. I currently have several cars insured with them, as you can see on my policy document right here. Perhaps you can look for their parent company, Philadelphia Indemnity Insurance Company?”
“You can’t insure a car in Philadelphia. You have to insure it in Maryland.”
“What? Look, I already have several vehicles insured with Grundy right here.” *Points at insurance document*
“Sir, I have all of your vehicle information right in front of me. Your cars are insured with USAA, not Grundy. There is no Grundy.”
“Yes, my daily drivers are insured with USAA. My collector cars are insured with Grundy.”
“Sir, your 1978 Ford is insured with USAA.”
“That car was stolen and burned 25 years ago.”
“Not in my system it wasn’t. Your 1987 Ford Mustang…”
“That car was traded in in 1988.”
“Not in my system it wasn’t. Your 1988 Mustang…”
“Was traded in in 1992.”
“Not in my system it wasn’t. Your 1992…”
“Look. I’ve owned 50 cars since then. Would you rather I just tell you I insured this one with USAA?”
“No. You have to tell me who it is actually insured with.”
“Grundy Worldwide.”
“Sir, there is no Grundy Worldwide.”
“Look. I’ve been here for hours. I filled out all your forms. I’ve jumped through all your hoops. I’ve answered all of your questions. I’m not leaving without my tags, so I suggest you either figure it out or call the hostage negotiators because I’m tired of playing. I’m the only person left in the building. Now. Figure. It. Out.”
“Wait here.”
“Where else would I go?”
6:35pm I leave with my tags.
I’m convinced that I was a horrible, despicable person in a prior life, probably a brutal dictator or something. When I died I went to see St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said “No Way holmes. You ain’t comin’ in here. You go straight to…Maryland."
Anybody got a template?
