The Speedster Lunch
I was hungry so I decided to get something to eat. I spotted a fancy looking restaurant called Porsche and figured what the hell, walked in, sat, and after a look at the menu ordered their signature special: The Speedster Lunch a la Hoffmann.
“Very popular choice, sir,” said the waiter and he brought me a lovely looking if thin steak a bit undercooked with one line of mayonnaise on each side.
“There you go, sir! One Speedster Lunch special! Hope you enjoy it.”
I was a bit shocked because he set the steak squarely on the table without a plate, but I overlooked this eccentricity figuring fancy places always did weird shite, but I asked for some utensils and a glass of beer.
“Oh, NO, sir. This is how we always serve it. You know the slogan: It will make a man out of you.”
So, not knowing what else to do, I picked up the steak and had a bite. I admitted it was delicious even if the meat could’ve used a tad more cooking for my taste. I proceeded to eat noticing now that the seat was terribly uncomfortable. Again, I just figured it was part of fancy eccentric restaurants.
Halfway through my meat, the waiter hovered. Just to make conversation, I said, “Weather looks like she’s turning a tad inclement.”
At this he looked outside and nodded, “Right you are, sir. Rain is definitely on its way.” And then he proceeded to place a black napkin roughly on my head. Odd as this seemed, the next action was unforgivable. He poured a pitcher of cold water all over me.
“What the hell?”
“Oh, sir, all part of the Speedster lunch, but no concerns, we don’t charge extra for it.”
Really annoyed now, I asked for the bill: it was double the price of any other meal on Porsche’s menu.
“This is ridiculous!”
“But, sir, this meal was a favorite of many Hollywood celebrities.”
“Even so, why is it so damn expensive?”
“The rareness, sir. Just be glad you did not order the Speedster Lunch a la Barn Find. Those are just as expensive but we allow a rabid dog to chew on most of the meat before it’s served. Don’t tell I told you, but they are ugly looking things.”
I exited, walked down the street and had a grilled cheese and a cold beer at a cheap counter-style joint. It tasted wonderful. They even gave me a napkin to dry my hair.
